Creative Dilemma

I wrote my sermon for this Sunday last week.  Today, I began a total rewrite of it.  For some reason, a whole different sermon has emerged.  A whole different way to express the message began to burst forth.  Now, I have a choice to make.  I need to pray to know what to do, to decide which message is the most relevant for this Sunday.  And my time is limited.  This is one of those times when I need to trust that the Holy Spirit will intervene and guide me to the correct message.

Dear God, please help me to know what message I need to share on Sunday.  I know that one is a better fit, but I am uncertain which one at this time.  I trust that I will be guided by the Holy Spirit in enough time to polish the message.  Grant me peace through the process.  Amen.

The fog clears

I received a little bit of clarity today.  It’s amazing how having just a little more information can buoy one significantly, especially when it’s about one’s future.  I was given a template a few weeks ago that lays out the process I am embedded within as a person working toward ordination in the Episcopal Church in Minnesota.  Today I learned where I am, what I have accomplished (I knew, but it was good to know what has been “crossed off” the list) and some goal dates to accomplish the next things on the list.  The next two years aren't specifically mapped out for me, but at least I know approximately “when” I need to do “what.”  The clarity is in the plan, no matter how fluid it appears.

It’s still in God’s hands, however.  I've learned this over many years of infertility, of expectation, of making my own plans that are not part of the long term God plan.  This faith in “God’s time” is hard for some people to understand, and unless you have encountered the holy gift and recognized it as something beyond your own control—like our four years of infertility and the blessing of two children within 19 months—then it is hard to comprehend.  I know that I have been called to ministry for most of my life, but the timing had to be “just right” and I trust that God had a hand in it!

What do I mean by this, specifically?  Looking back to our early years of marriage, we see so many opportunities, like travel abroad and around the U.S.A., of job opportunities and development of so many friendships.  If our children had come sooner, we would have missed out on some of these experiences.  These experiences helped us develop our skills to become better parents. 

Looking back over my life I see many nudges toward ministry, opportunities to learn more about God in this world, to learn more about the Word and to see Christ in the eyes of many, many people.  But I didn't respond to the nudges, I needed more time to SEE God in the world and to understand my place in that world.  I needed to develop many skills and gain confidence in them before I could feel the shove.  I needed to feel like our marriage, children, family and home were stable enough to make it through the tumult education could impose on all of us.

Do I feel completely secure in all of this?  Of course not!  I have moments of insecurity and doubt, and those moments are what hold me back and close my mind to the infinite gifts God places before me.  Moments of clarity, like those found today, help me to see the bigger picture, giving me peace when I allow chaotic thoughts to disturb my relationship with God.  (Fishing may have also helped a little!)

Dear God, the fog at yesterday’s daybreak was a visible reminder that I am unable to see the plan clearly when I limit my trust in you.  The sunlight that burned through the fog and the clouds was another reminder that when I trust you, the plans you have for me are more clear than I believe.  Given verbal affirmation and a timeline for the next couple of years doesn’t hurt, either.  I know that all of this is because of you, because of the plans you have for me, in your time.  Many thanks for these reminders.  Amen.

R & R

I recently returned from a two day Sabbath with Jeff.  We were given the opportunity to spend time in a cabin where we enjoyed a lot of fishing--and a lot of catching--too much sun and some much needed rest and relaxation.  It was very HOT until a big thunderstorm came through and blew in a few hours of cool air, making sleeping a little easier that night.  Now, I return to a busy schedule for the next few days.

 

I learned that fishing is a great way to clear the mind.  What an amazing distraction that I have so rarely taken advantage of!  As I come back to daily living, I hope I can return to those memories of those moments on the lake when fishing took my mind away from all that has caused me to be so uptight.

O Creator of the world, thank you for the peacefulness of a canoe on the lake, rod and reel in my hand and a bobbing bobber.  Thank you for the really hot weather and for the thunderstorm that pushed across the lake, blowing in a chill for the air and fog for the sunrise.  Thank you for the sunburn on my skin and even for the pain some clothing causes when it touches my skin, for it will remind me of these two days of respite, two days where time away rejuvenates and revitalizes a weary mind and body.  Amen.

I Give Up!

Sometimes there will be days like these.  Those days when you think you have a plan that seems do-able and then it just doesn't work out so well.  When the internet is down or the car doesn't start and everything seems to be running in slow motion when you are ready for some speed?  Today was that kind of day.  Sometimes there are blatant signs that those few minute you were delayed saved your life—the accident you come upon, the important phone call you would have otherwise missed—and the messed up schedule seems more forgivable.  Other times it just plain seems like the world is just not in sync with you and when one thing doesn't go right, it seems like everything else follows that path.  I wonder why this happens every once in a while.  Is it to remind me that things happen in God’s time rather than my time?  Or to knock me on my noggin to remind me that God is in control?  Or is it to teach me to let go of my earthly expectations? 

I get it, God!  I don’t have control of every situation.  I cannot make things happen on my schedule or expect everyone else to cater to my calendar.  I give up!  I give it to you in hopes that you can help my aching stomach stop hurting with my near-constant stress.  I give it to you in hopes that you will soften the harsh tone in my voice so that my relationships are not tarnished.  I give it to you because the burdens I cling to are holding me back from experiencing the vast opportunities this life you have given me offer.  Help me to stop, see and smell the intricacies of life instead of rushing past the gardens of glory that fill my life with beauty.  Help me to breathe in the sweet air while watching a yellow moon rise over the horizon and not worry about what is or is not getting done and even more, to let go of the expectations of how it is getting done.  There is so much more going on in life, and I need to learn to be present to see it all.  It is only with your help that I can.  I give it to you.  Amen.

#100

This is my 100^th blog post, and I’m nearing my one year mark (10/13/2013) of this nearly nightly practice.  I have 84 pages and I may just hit 50,000 words, if I write enough of them tonight.  There have been nearly 2000 page views on the blog, too.  Thank you for joining me on this journey!  I hope you have felt nourished, as this practice has nourished my own journey.

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We needed to turn the air conditioner back on the other day.  Today, the air was so thick that there was a bit of a haze when we looked out the windows.  It was humid enough to make breathing difficult.  Now that the full moon is in the darkened sky it is a bit more comfortable to spend some time outside. 

Jeff and I try to walk as often as our schedules allow.  It’s a great way to have a business meeting or talk about what’s going on in our individual lives, make plans or just “be” together.  We value that time because we can leave behind the tasks that separate us in our home.  Our business is worked out of the house, so though we are often home together, our responsibilities separate us throughout the day.  Having the office in the home also means it is much easier to work longer hours and take on more volunteer projects.  A long day in the office may mean that Jeff is sitting at his desk from 8:30 a.m. until midnight doing work-work and volunteer-work or house-work.

 

I sometimes have a problem with that schedule.  Jeff does too, especially when he cannot put a “closed” sign in the window and stop thinking about work.  His sleep schedule suffers because he cannot easily flip a switch and turn off his work.  He does get out and run a few times a week to keep his body in motion and to try to deal with the stress of running his own business.  And the walks we take give us a “phone free” zone to keep our relationship on track.  And once my classes begin in a few weeks, my schedule will be filled with hours in front of the computer or my nose in a book; and those walks will be even more important to stay connected.

We don’t have it figured out all the time, and we can tell when we haven’t been making time for one another.  Our relationship requires that time, that conversation, that intimacy to continue to grow and be the relationship we believe has been ordained by God.

Dear God, it is hard to find time to be in relationships, but we know that to be in relationship with others, we must spend time with one another.  This is true of marriages, friendships, and families.  The greatest gift we have to give another is our time.  It is comforting to know that you, O God, are always present and ready to engage in conversation or to spend time with us.  All we have to do is breathe in and out and feel your presence.  You are our forever friend.  Amen.

Changing Perspectives

Sometimes the best remedy to feeling overwhelmed by the upcoming schedule is to go to sleep.  So I did.  For nearly three hours.  Now I need to get myself to bed so I can start to live the schedule I have in place for the rest of the week.  I was given a gift, too, that I do not have to go to a meeting in the morning!  That time will be used for some sleep and some preparing of my next sermon; and perhaps to get more of those pesky, never-ending chores done.  It’s all good, I just need to pause a little, breathe and accept that of all there is to do I can only do as much as I can.  I will need to let some things go, or expect a little less of myself, so I can focus on those things that bring the most satisfaction.  So I napped this evening, which changed my perspective, refreshed my mind and gave me some end of the night energy.

O Heavenly Father, you have given me a full life for which I am grateful.  I have family and friends, some work, some school, some church and time to share with all of them.  Help me to practice self-care, to set aside times that are completely mine to do the things I want to do, like spend time with friends or read a book, or simply take a nap.  This place and time in my life sometimes seems overwhelming, but with you as my partner I know I can make the right decisions to do the best that I can do with the time, energy and resources I have to give.  Thank you for helping me put it back into perspective.  Amen.

Identifying the gift of "Home"

Where is home?  Is it a place or is it a frame of mind?  Is it about the past or the present?  Is it about good relationships or difficult relationships?  How we identify home, what it is and where we find it tells a lot about us.  Leaving home in a transitional period, like heading off to college, or into that first apartment can be nerve wracking and exciting all in one, knowing that, as long as mom and dad don’t renovate or rent out the old bedroom, there is still a place set aside for the one who is in transition.  Moving from one home into another, whether it is an apartment or a house, or a house to an apartment, puts into perspective that the state of “home” is more about who is living within the walls, not where those walls are built.  Leaving a faith community that has been a refuge for decades is another kind of change.  The people who have cared for us during our strength and our weakness continue to hold a dear place in our “home,” but the frequency in which we are in community dwindles down to nearly nothing as we establish a new community who will become a refuge of strength and will house our weakness.

 

Helping my mother-in-law transition from her apartment into a new apartment, closer to us, and that has the opportunity for her to have meals in community is one thing.  Knowing that she will be leaving her life-long faith community to join Jeff in ours at a time when I will be leaving that faith community to move into my internship parish brings about different emotions.  I think I am in the same period of disbelief in preparation for mourning as she is.  We skirt this topic in our packing, perhaps because it is too raw and though we both understand that this is just one part of this point in our lives, the reality is we are both leaving something behind that has nourished us in more ways than we can count.  She gets to join our faith community and I hope that she will find new friends and a sense of the holy there.  I get to spend nine months in another community to learn more about my future, my style, my purpose in God’s plan and though I’m excited, I’m also scared and sad.  I bet she feels many of those same emotions.

Dear God Above and Within, please be with those who are making changes in their lives, whether temporary or semi-permanent.  Calm nervous stomachs and open hearts to the opportunities change can offer.  In your embrace we experience the peace beyond understanding, the hope for the future and the love you offer each of us.  Amen.

What's in your language?

A friend of mine used the word “challenges” to describe what she was mentally preparing to experience this upcoming week.  I use that word often and try to use it as a descriptor for something that was “challenging” rather than something I expect to happen in the future.  It has taken a long time for me to try to work positive words into my vocabulary rather than those that portend “doom” or negative expectations.  My friend’s use of the word “challenges” made me think a little harder about how I use words and how I try so very hard to maintain an “upside” attitude.  I hope I am successful for the most part.  I know this upcoming week will be very full and my emotional well-being will be put to the test, especially if I do not get enough rest, there will be challenges that I will need to overcome.  I could, instead, say, I’m really excited to approach this week because I get to watch our daughter play tennis and march at the State Fair as well as helping someone who needs help and learning more about my upcoming internship!  Opportunities abound this week and if I think of them in positive ways, I just may be more apt to experience them with a positive outlook.  It’s worth a try!

Dear God, I thank you for pointing out to me the importance of using positive language.  My attitude and expectations are affected by my self-talk, and it is good to be reminded that I have control of the way I talk and of my attitude.  Those are about the only things I can control, so it is often good to have subtle reminders!  Help me find the positive when I begin to lose my perspective.  Amen.

A Son Returns Home

We went to a funeral today.  It was a Catholic service for an Irishman, with bagpipes, violin, taps and a Dixieland Jazz band to send him on his way.  The priest said he has been a priest for over 30 years and in all those years, this was only one of three funerals where the deceased chose a pine box as his casket. The Gospel chosen for the service was the Prodigal Son.  It was a fitting lesson, especially when Paul’s story was told. A Navy man, former member of the Minnesota House of Representatives, former Anoka County Commissioner and member of numerous veteran’s and civic organizations, Paul McCarron was a humble man who had, since the age of 16, shied away from God, thinking that he was not worthy of God’s unconditional love.  In the last six weeks of his life, Paul came to know God and understand that we have nothing to do with whether or not God loves us.  God just does.  And so, this man who called himself a recovering Catholic, had reconnected with his Father in Heaven. 

I commented that this particular text is a risky one for clergy to take on; especially considering it was being used in a Burial Service.  Many people come near to death without having had a lifelong relationship with God.  This end of life altar call can sometimes seem like a last ditch effort to get into heaven, no matter the kind of life lead.  But there really was no risk today.  Though many may have wondered why Paul’s service was being held in a Catholic church, we learned that this was one of Paul’s last wishes in life, that he had spent much time mulling this decision over, and made a conversion because it was what he wanted to do, not because he felt obligated at the end of his life. 

Paul was a giving man, all his life he did things others did not want to do by taking political office, becoming a champion for causes, a punching bag because of those causes, a servant of the people, of service people and of veterans and many more things.  He did not do anything for the glory or for the hope of salvation.  He did them because he felt called to do them; he believed that what he was doing was for the good of others.

 

Whether or not we call a person like Paul a follower of God, a child of God, the hands and feet of God, Paul did not think he was valued in such a way.  He, at the end of his life, came back to the home he grew up in, ready to beg to be welcomed back, like the son who is known as the Prodigal Son in Luke’s Gospel.  And God was there, running to greet him, to embrace him, to wrap him in a cloak, to announce to the world that his son had returned, just as the father met the son on the road.  There is no denying the joy of the returned son to his loving father.

God loves us no matter what.  We make choices that separate us from our relationship with God, but it is only we who walk away, emotionally or physically from the relationship.  God loves us with a patience beyond our comprehension.  God waits for us to cry out and ask to be welcomed back, knowing that we, in God’s mind, never left.

O Holy One, it is only through your infinite mercy that we are always a part of the holy family.  We fall, we leave, we struggle, we make choices to put ourselves first and we run away from your embrace, but you are always there, loving us through our mistakes.  Thank you for never giving up on us!  Amen. 

Who and what rules your time?

Our internet router is not reliable.  Or perhaps it is intentionally making us take a break from our screen time and is forcing us to have some face time with one another.  Either way, it sometimes rules the way our time is spent staying connected, working, playing games or learning.  The way our bodies work also affects the way we live.  When our iron content is low or we are dehydrated our energy can be zapped, forcing us to take a break.  When we keep our bodies and minds active we have more energy to do more things.  Lack of sleep, a sore back and an achy ear can slow me down, but it doesn't shut me out of living.  It’s about what we depend on to keep us going. 

What rules our time?  Who rules our time?  This month I have had more time—no classes, no travel, no mission trip—so I've been able to give of my time to help with the upcoming move I've mentioned in previous posts.  I want to do this, but I am also struggling with doing this.  Because I have availability to do much of the prep work required for a move, it makes sense that I do what I can to make the actual move easier by being prepared.  I’m making decisions that may not be mine to make, but need to be made.  I’m asking difficult questions that need answers sooner than later.  There are some amounts of time that I cannot control—like the availability of others to get the move done and the day she can begin to live in the new apartment; or the fact that these days do not coincide. 

There are other things that need my time as well, like managing a household, being a parent and a spouse.  And I also need to take care of myself, preparing for a new academic year and some big changes in my church program year.  There are still tennis matches and marching band parades and football half-time shows to attend, not because I have to but because I want to watch as our daughter does things that bring her joy, challenging her and motivating her as she enters her senior year of high school.

So these things rule much of my time.  And some of the time, I get to rule my time, other times I have to be willing to work with the schedules of others and submit to allowing my time to be ruled by others. 

But my time spent in prayer is both my and God’s time.  We share the moments, each of us listening and each of us talking.  Sometimes we share silence, letting the sounds around us move us into further communion with one another.  As long as there is this time, then I hope I can make it through all those other times when something or someone is ruling my time.

Dear God, I depend on, count on and need my moments with you to ground me when time is out of my control.  I lean on you for strength and ask for wisdom when I feel trapped by time.  Remind me when I have chosen to give of my time that it is a willing gift, especially when the gift begins to feel like a burden.  You are my strength, and it is in your hands I put my trust.  Amen.

Time on my hands.

I've had a difficult time falling asleep lately.  I don’t know if it has to do with the temperature, atmospheric pressure or too many things in my head, but I’m kind of tired of elusive sleep.  I’m probably not busy enough right now, even though I've been helping my mother-in-law get organized to move at the end of the month and spent about 6 hours with her at IKEA on Tuesday.  Today we will take her to sign her lease and begin moving her into the apartment, just three miles from our home.  This change will make it easier for us to be more involved in her life and to be able to ensure she is okay, well fed and more active than she has been.  It is a good thing, but it takes much effort to move, even when she doesn't have a lot.  I spend a lot of time thinking, planning and working to make this as easy a transition for her as it can be.  To be honest, it’s nice to have something to occupy some of my thoughts and time right now, as this is that “calm before the storm” month before school begins again and time management becomes a significant gift when needing to keep everything straight, so there is time to give and willingness to give it.

Dear God, thank you for the opportunity to help others in the few weeks I have available to give more of my time and energy.  Help me to use this time to take care of myself, as well.  Grant restful, restorative sleep to weary bodies; calm the thoughts that keep busy minds awake, and relax bodies into refreshing rest; all to prepare us for a new day, with regular expectations and extraordinary relationships with you.  Amen.

...God is strong!

God does good things when we rely upon God.  By admitting my weakness and asking for prayers, I am beginning to find the confidence I need to return to a nightly quiet time, celebrate my faith and talk with God.  This doesn't mean that everything is figured out or that I am not still weak, but what it does mean is that all the prayers said for my benefit these past 24 hours have impacted me to a point where I feel I can spend time sharing my journey on the blog again.  Admission of frailties is part of life, and a valuable reminder that there is a constant need for God, to be in community with God, to be open to the possibilities from God.  God is always strong, always present, always willing to listen and to guide through all of life.  Dependence on God is a sign of strength, because it releases the dependence on self.  I promise to continue to work on letting go of my need to depend on me and to work harder to trust in the One who guides my days and nights, the One to whom we pray for ourselves and for others.

O Holy One, source of strength, bringer of light, hearer of prayers, thank you for all the lessons I am learning to become a source of your light in the world.  Amen.

When I am weak...

I have been struggling with the blog of late.  My habit was disrupted by traveling and the mission trip and I seem to think that I need the blog to be filled with reflections from the mission trip because it was so impactful in such a variety of ways…but it doesn't.  That’s not what this blog was intended to do.  It all started with a simple prayer and it became a nightly practice of writing of thoughts, experiences, dreams and desires as a way to stay connected with God.  So why has it become easy to set this time aside, to set God aside?  Sure, I trust that God is ever present in my life, that my thoughts become prayers and that I am in relationship with God.  But giving up the nightly practice has left a hole in my day, and I feel like my relationship is lacking.

I know that part of what has kept me from blogging has been my need to process the mission trip.  I am finding that I have many growing edges that need attention after this trip.  I am probably at one of my weakest points in my life.  I’m working on changing that, through talking with my spiritual director, my husband and others who want to listen to me as I talk through my experience on the mission trip.  I am vulnerable and lacking in self-confidence while at the same time I feel like a champion for the Ojibwa tribes in northwestern Minnesota.  I can tell their stories, while I struggle with my own.

There is so much more to my feelings of weakness and vulnerability right now.  My energies are focused on helping my mother-in-law prepare to move at the end of the month—a different type of mission trip!  I’m trying to emotionally prepare for my internship that will commence September 8 and last until mid-May, leaving my faith community of 26 years.  Our daughter will begin her senior year soon.  Our son is planning to move out in the next couple of months.  Life is changing, as it should, but right now, I feel weak so I have to trust that God is strong.

Perhaps this is one of those times where I have to be reminded to place my faith and trust in God, and ask others to pray for me. 

Dear God, be present through the transitions life offers:  transitions of thought and understanding as well as of life changes and growth.  Only you can hear the weakness and longing of your people.  Lift them, guide them, love them as their lives progress into fuller relationship with you.  Amen.

Rejuvenation

I slept until noon today.  My body was heavy, my eyes sandy and I slept.  I must have needed to rejuvenate to prepare for the next things on the list.  It’s time to start packing my mother-in-law for her move at the end of the month.  It’s time to buy books for the next semester.  It’s time to get a newsletter researched and written.  It’s time to deep clean the house.  It’s time to catch up on laundry.  It’s time to live the last weeks of summer and find moments of respite and joy.  We did that tonight with a family dinner at a local restaurant, sitting outside on their sidewalk, enjoying one of the few nights together.

 

Dear God, Thank you for the extra rest today.  Thank you for the beautiful weather this evening.  Thanks for another movie time with my daughter.  Help these moments bubble up from my memory when I’m feeling overwhelmed and the list gets long.  Amen.