I've been on break from classes for just about a month
now. My time moves at a different pace
when I’m not working on my M-Div. I have
more time to do things I have either stopped doing or have significantly slowed
down on. I've read two books—for
fun! That is such a rare experience
while I’m in classes. I have been able
to cook and bake for my family more often.
These meals aren't really anything fancy, but when there just hasn't
been enough time to put much effort in, they are something special just because
I had time. I was able to go on a five
day trip to Florida with my love—to reconnect, relax, unplug and let go.
All this free time can seem frivolous and fraught with guilt
for not “doing” something “productive,” but it isn't either of those
things. I’m still doing my internship
work, and I have work to do for our business, paperwork to fill out for my
future ordinations, and one book to read for school before I go back in
February, so I’m not doing nothing, I’m
simply spending my time at a different pace, breathing and pausing and taking
care of some of those things that aren't completely neglected in my school
time, but are not given as much attention as I can now give.
Where does God fit in?
Sometimes I wonder.
I think God wants us to pay attention to how we experience
time—how we spend it, use it, enjoy it, waste it, depend on it and blame it—to really
learn what is most important in our current moments of time. I can reflect on these past few months where
I felt like I was spinning out of control and time was whizzing by me and begin
to see what I have learned about myself, my education, my family, my time. What I am paying most attention to is how
much I like being in the church, learning and growing through the many
experiences that I have been blessed to have.
I know in my heart and soul that parish ministry is my call and God’s
desire. In all the craziness of
organized religion, of the business of church, of education and of course, of
worship, I feel so at home.
The beauty of an internship is that it is finite. I have nine months to grab as much experience
and knowledge and faith practice as I can without becoming so entwined in the
nuances of this particular faith community that I am emotionally and
spiritually depleted even before I am ordained.
It’s hard work balancing budgets and managing staff and it takes
changing hats many times throughout the day to be pastoral and a caregiver as
well as leader of the pack. I think that
if I spent more time there than I currently am required to do (about 10-12
hours a week) I may have a different opinion.
But what I am gaining is a brushstroke in a grand painting—only a
glimpse of the daily life of a parish priest.
The deeper work comes later.
In the meantime, I am a part of the painting there. I may only be a brushstroke in the painting,
but I will always be pictured in the 2013 photo directory, I will be remembered
by some for any number of reasons, I will continue to be taught and to teach
while I’m there, and though the time is finite and there is much to learn, I am
emotionally and spiritually entwined in the current nuances of this particular
faith community. To be any less would
not be a reflection of who I am.
So I have had time to reflect in these past few weeks about
what it is I have been called to do. To
determine what this call means to me and how it will be best put to God’s
purpose. This respite was needed and I
am thankful for the opportunity to find myself and feel secure that I am doing
the right thing.
O Holy God of all, you have given all of us opportunities to
sit back and reflect upon moments of time, snapshots of life, pondering the
textures of this gift and when we pay close attention we can find answers to
questions, or even questions to be asked.
It is in taking time that we find in ourselves our commitment to what is
good in our lives. Be with us as we
ponder, listen, breathe, grow, reflect and act as your creation. In your holy name, Amen.