I received a little bit of clarity today. It’s amazing how having just a little more
information can buoy one significantly, especially when it’s about one’s
future. I was given a template a few
weeks ago that lays out the process I am embedded within as a person working
toward ordination in the Episcopal Church in Minnesota. Today I learned where I am, what I have
accomplished (I knew, but it was good to know what has been “crossed off” the
list) and some goal dates to accomplish the next things on the list. The next two years aren't specifically mapped
out for me, but at least I know approximately “when” I need to do “what.” The clarity is in the plan, no matter how
fluid it appears.
It’s still in God’s hands, however. I've learned this over many years of
infertility, of expectation, of making my own plans that are not part of the
long term God plan. This faith in “God’s
time” is hard for some people to understand, and unless you have encountered the
holy gift and recognized it as something beyond your own control—like our four
years of infertility and the blessing of two children within 19 months—then it
is hard to comprehend. I know that I
have been called to ministry for most of my life, but the timing had to be “just
right” and I trust that God had a hand in it!
What do I mean by this, specifically? Looking back to our early years of marriage,
we see so many opportunities, like travel abroad and around the U.S.A., of job
opportunities and development of so many friendships. If our children had come sooner, we would
have missed out on some of these experiences.
These experiences helped us develop our skills to become better parents.
Looking back over my life I see many nudges toward ministry,
opportunities to learn more about God in this world, to learn more about the
Word and to see Christ in the eyes of many, many people. But I didn't respond to the nudges, I needed
more time to SEE God in the world and to understand my place in that
world. I needed to develop many skills
and gain confidence in them before I could feel the shove. I needed to feel like our marriage, children,
family and home were stable enough to make it through the tumult education
could impose on all of us.
Do I feel completely secure in all of this? Of course not! I have moments of insecurity and doubt, and
those moments are what hold me back and close my mind to the infinite gifts God
places before me. Moments of clarity, like
those found today, help me to see the bigger picture, giving me peace when I
allow chaotic thoughts to disturb my relationship with God. (Fishing may have also helped a little!)
Dear God, the fog at yesterday’s daybreak was a visible
reminder that I am unable to see the plan clearly when I limit my trust in
you. The sunlight that burned through
the fog and the clouds was another reminder that when I trust you, the plans
you have for me are more clear than I believe.
Given verbal affirmation and a timeline for the next couple of years
doesn’t hurt, either. I know that all of
this is because of you, because of the plans you have for me, in your
time. Many thanks for these reminders. Amen.