I've been too busy to devote significant time to processing
the mission trip, but throughout each of the past few days I've caught moments,
glimpses if you will, of memories that still direct my emotions. Tears well up unexpectedly, emotions gurgle
throughout my body wanting to escape, but are often subdued within. The time is not yet ripe. There are not enough hours for free writing
yet. There are edges that need to be
molded so the sharpness can become less rigid, offering a broader understanding
in some cases and a narrower one in others.
How can I put all the pieces together when my view was so broad and not
narrowed by task or made intimate in individual relationships? I did not re-roof a house or teach vacation
Bible school. I was not immersed in a single
job, but encountered moments in all of them.
I observed, listened and drew in the stories as if I was breathing them
into my lungs and sending the oxygen of them throughout my veins, leaving
remnants behind, forever a part of my internal functions. The time will come when I have more clarity…or
not. Perhaps it is just a matter of
having time to let the memories and ideas and joys and sorrows find their own
expression through my words. Perhaps I’m
not supposed to let them go just yet because what they are teaching me needs
more time. But I wonder how much I will
be able to release and how much will remain within me forever, ever reminding
me.
The process of processing
Defining ourselves
This coming Sunday's Gospel comes from Luke. Here is an excerpt:
12:15b "Life is
not defined by what you have, even when you have a lot."
Dear God, our lives are not defined by what we have; they
are defined by our devotion to our faith in you. How we are able to give of ourselves to
people—all people, is our reflection of you in our lives. Be near us as we live our faith in the world,
understanding that we are all your children, created in your image, with gifts
and talents unique to each of us, each to be given freely, as instruments of
your love. Amen.
A couple thoughts post mission trip
1. We have returned from the mission trip. There is a lot to process after being immersed in the Leech Lake Reservation working with White Earth enrollees, then adding Leech Lake enrollees. The level of poverty is beyond the charts and graphs. It is hard to express the emotions felt, the work accomplished, the relationships developed and the hope for the future in a concise way. It is my hope that I will have time this week to process, write, pray and find some peace following this experience. The blog is on hold until I can work through some of my thoughts. It just has to be.
2. "All you with mercy in your heart,
forgiving others, take your part,
O sing now: Alleluia!
All you that pain and sorrow bear,
praise God, and cast on him your care:
O praise him, O praise him,
Alleluia, Alleluia, Alleluia!"
-words attributed to St. Francis of Assisi
Hymn 400, vs. 5, The 1984 Hymnal
This verse brought me to tears this morning. Still wrestling with strong emotions and memories from the mission trip, this verse seemed to encompass much of what I am processing. Mercy, forgiveness, pain and sorrow all were a part of the week. Depending on God to find balance in all of it, praising God for all that was experienced. O praise him. Yes.
2. "All you with mercy in your heart,
forgiving others, take your part,
O sing now: Alleluia!
All you that pain and sorrow bear,
praise God, and cast on him your care:
O praise him, O praise him,
Alleluia, Alleluia, Alleluia!"
-words attributed to St. Francis of Assisi
Hymn 400, vs. 5, The 1984 Hymnal
This verse brought me to tears this morning. Still wrestling with strong emotions and memories from the mission trip, this verse seemed to encompass much of what I am processing. Mercy, forgiveness, pain and sorrow all were a part of the week. Depending on God to find balance in all of it, praising God for all that was experienced. O praise him. Yes.
Restless
I’m
leaving in the morning for a week up north doing the mission trip I have been
writing about all week. It’s been a busy
day doing last minute things for the trip, for the apartment search for my
mother in law, for the house I’m leaving behind, and I’m feeling a little
restless, a little anxious, a little perplexed.
It will be good to get on the road and begin focusing on one thing. My “love the one you’re with” way of
balancing things in my life that don’t always seem to work together will be a
good way for me to re-focus and “be” where I need to be, when I need to be
there. It will be good to be without a
computer all week, but it will mean that I won’t be blogging and I won’t be
staying current on the lives of so many people who I stay connected with on
Facebook. Emails will have to wait,
phone calls will be returned in a week.
This is a time for me to do something for people I don’t know, a time
for me to refocus my sight on God’s glory in the world, a time for me to rejuvenate
relationships with people from my Epiphany family, a time for me to grow. And as I look at it this way, I am still
restless. I’m worrying about the things
I will not be able to do to help with the apartments search, even though I've already done a significant amount.
I was introduced to the singer Audrey Assad and finally listened to one of her songs tonight, Restless. Here is the link to the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0B2ybZpDeM. Listening, it reminded me where my heart needs to be, where my focus needs to be, where my feet need to rest. In God, with God. Listen to the song, for it is my prayer tonight. And pray for me and the others who are going on this mission trip, and especially for those who live on the reservation. We will touch one another—this is not a one-way relationship—and we will grow together. What a blessing!
I was introduced to the singer Audrey Assad and finally listened to one of her songs tonight, Restless. Here is the link to the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0B2ybZpDeM. Listening, it reminded me where my heart needs to be, where my focus needs to be, where my feet need to rest. In God, with God. Listen to the song, for it is my prayer tonight. And pray for me and the others who are going on this mission trip, and especially for those who live on the reservation. We will touch one another—this is not a one-way relationship—and we will grow together. What a blessing!
Preparing for a mission trip
Hearts: open.
Prayers: evermore filled with praise, hope and awe.
Minds: filled with lists of things to do and people to see.
Souls: awaiting abundant grace.
Bodies: in need of rest, in expectation for exhaustion.
2 pounds of breakfast sausage: browned.
3+ pounds of Italian sausage: browned.
10 pounds of ground beef: nearly all browned.
Pork loins and chicken breasts: packaged.
About a third of the groceries: purchased.
2/3 of the groceries: to be purchased tomorrow.
Packing: barely begun.
Laundry: in piles to be washed.
We leave on Saturday morning for our mission trip to work with the White Earth enrollees living on the Leech Lake Reservation. To do Vacation Bible School. To pound nails. To build relationships.
Pray for us, think on these things, send love and compassion to those who work to help others and for the others who need assistance.
Prayers: evermore filled with praise, hope and awe.
Minds: filled with lists of things to do and people to see.
Souls: awaiting abundant grace.
Bodies: in need of rest, in expectation for exhaustion.
2 pounds of breakfast sausage: browned.
3+ pounds of Italian sausage: browned.
10 pounds of ground beef: nearly all browned.
Pork loins and chicken breasts: packaged.
About a third of the groceries: purchased.
2/3 of the groceries: to be purchased tomorrow.
Packing: barely begun.
Laundry: in piles to be washed.
We leave on Saturday morning for our mission trip to work with the White Earth enrollees living on the Leech Lake Reservation. To do Vacation Bible School. To pound nails. To build relationships.
Pray for us, think on these things, send love and compassion to those who work to help others and for the others who need assistance.
Prayer requests
I’d like to ask for prayers for a few friends who are going
through some difficult times. Some are
just overwhelmed with decisions, others have significant health issues, others
have lost loved ones, some have struggled with electric outages and others have
piles of debt they are struggling to dig out from under. There are a few people who are rejoicing
today with the return of their son from active duty, and others who are on well-deserved
vacations.
Dear God, please be with the many people in my life who are
carrying burdens that are too heavy to carry alone. You alone can lighten their loads, and I ask
for your presence in their lives.
Embrace them, strengthen them, help them discern the right paths and let
them experience your love. Amen.
Preparing for the mission trip
This day did not go exactly as I had planned. It wasn't bad, I just didn't get some things
done I should have been able to accomplish.
This Saturday, I’m heading up north for a mission trip, and found that
some of the plans I had originally made for food needed adjusting. I need to reconsider quantities, because the
numbers of people have changed. The
people we are going to help are also providing a number of evening meals, which
means I have to decide what meals I want to make and which do I want to
scrap. In the end, I’m only scrapping
one meal and all the bag lunches! I need
to get it done because someone else is willing to do all the shopping, and her
schedule is kind of tight. This may seem
like the wrong focus when we are going up to help others, and perhaps it is,
but this is what I know how to do well and I want to give my best gifts in the
best ways I can.
God, please be with all of us who are preparing for our
mission trip. There are many people who
are coming to help, some for all of the week and others for part of the
week. Guide us as we identify our best
gifts and talents, but also motivate us to try new things. We do this ministry with you as our hope and
strength, and we ask for your presence in our preparations. Amen.
Searching for information
I've spent too many hours in front of a computer today:
doing research on senior living locations, making phone calls, talking to a county
social services worker and the sales folks at the housing facilities, taking
notes, charting information and typing up the notes. We are trying to find an affordable, safe
place for my mother-in-law to live where she can have a few services, like
meals. Each place accepts different
programs, offer different food programs and services, at a variety of
fees. I don’t know how people who don’t
have a support system can navigate all these features and find the best
location to live. How do they decide
what city to live in, when their church is on one end of the metro area and
their kids are on the other ends? Who
should ultimately decide where the best location with the best programs at the
best price is?
Dear God of all ages, help those of us who are trying to
make good decisions for ourselves, our children and our parents. Guide our research and our visits to both
colleges and senior living buildings to find the best place for those we love
the most. Remove the ache between
shoulders, the tension behind the eyes and the cramping of the fingers so that
rest may come easily and propel us into tomorrow with a renewed sense of drive
and ability. Amen.
Surrounded by Love
Knowing in my heart and in my head that I am supported in my
call to the priesthood is one thing.
Experiencing the support and love from friends and family first hand is
another. This morning did not start out
as smoothly as I thought. I was at
church early, finding three tires in the parking lot. Thinking they would limit the parking spaces,
I put them on the grass and headed back to my car to grab my garment bag and my
… wait … did I? … I did. I left my
sermon on the stairs at home. I rushed
back home at speeds I would scold anyone else for driving, grabbed the sermon
and rushed back to church … with three minutes to go until the service
started. I was not the only one feeling
a little concern! Poor Judy and the rest
of the folks there! Judy told me they
would wait for me, and the rest of the 8:00 service went without a hitch
.
The 10:30 service would have its own circumstances that
would cause my stomach to spin—five of my diva friends were there, sitting in
the front of the church, wearing their tiaras on their heads and grins on their
faces! When it was time for the sermon,
I introduced these gals and explained, “We have a pact that whenever two or
three are gathered together we must wear our tiaras!” and pulled mine out for
the congregation to see. I didn’t put it
on, however. I went on to tell of my
singing with the band on Friday night, and one of the Divas held up a picture
of me singing! There were a few giggles,
and some people asked to have a closer look at the photo!
The sermon went fine, especially since I purposely avoided
looking at any of the Divas or my family.
We had the Nicene Creed and then the Peace. I returned to the altar, saw my tiara was in
the way and took it to put it away. The
priest grabbed it out of my hands and put it on my head! The congregation clapped and cheered. What a riot!
I had another experience, too. I was asked to help distribute the bread at
communion. I’ve never done this
before. I helped the priest by “pointing”
the liturgy (helping her stay on the right line). And then she gave me a plate with a half loaf
of bread and sent me out to give communion.
My daughter and husband were the first to receive my first giving of
communion bread. The Divas were
next. There was something special about
saying the name of each person and giving them the “Body of Christ.” I didn’t always remember the name, and other
times I didn’t know it, but there were connections made. Probably my favorites were the four little
girls who were from the last family.
Each reached out her hands and I squatted down and looked her in the eye
as I gave her the bread. I got great
smiles from them as they received this gift from God. Those smiles were gifts to me.
The day was filled with more Diva time, brunch at one house
and visiting at another. These were a
bit quieter than the nights at the bars.
Everyone was a bit more tired and a little less loud. It was nice to be more centered and focused
on a few, our relationships with one another growing.
Dear Holy One, you bring people into our lives who honor and
respect the choices we make, who help us and guide us through the difficulties,
who love us unconditionally. We count
on these folks to support us and lift us.
It is a blessing to be surrounded and embraced by them, for it is a
human touch that comes from you. Amen.
Friends and memories
Another night with the Divas and other members of the class
of 1980! It was a perfect night, cool
and crisp air filled with outbursts of laughter and many conversations updating
one another on our lives. We gathered at
Maynard’s in Excelsior for dinner and beverages. It was so nice to see some people I've only
been in contact with via Facebook these past few years. I heard happy and silly stories and also the
story of the death of one of the mothers.
She was probably one of the few moms I spent any time with, so her
passing was not only a surprise, it brought me to tears. It is hard to watch the pain endured by those
left and hear about the drama that causes so much friction within families,
when each person’s grief is so raw and vulnerable. I’m sad that I didn’t get to spend time
talking to each person there tonight, but I will see some of them tomorrow,
when our day is filled with activities, beginning with church in the
morning. The tiara clad Divas have
threatened to be a little rowdy when I preach!
O God, thank you for the friendships that have endured for
most of my life. Even though we may not
be in close contact frequently, there is comfort in reuniting with people who
began from many of the same stories, the same neighborhoods, the same
elementary schools and developed into the adults we are. Our home lives varied, our cliques and
activities defined us in high school, but because of our roots we are able to
be together, shedding our teen-aged skins, comfortable in the people we've
become, ready to embrace one another as we venture forth into our futures. Friends are friends forever, when we trust
that you, dear God, have led us through and in these lives, ever bound with you
and one another. Thank you! Amen.
Happy Birthday, Mom! I celebrated for you!
My
mom celebrated her 77th birthday today! She had lunch with friends and dinner out
with my dad, so trying to catch her home to wish her a happy day was rather
difficult. Tomorrow.
Late this evening I met up with some of the Divas I went to Las Vegas with last September. They were at a bar near enough for me to get there before 11:00. We danced, wearing both our tiaras and lighted devil’s horns. We were quite a sight! The devious divas in the group conned the band into having me sing with them, Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’,” which is one of my favorites to sing along with. I messed up on one verse, but was coached through the rest of the song, so all went well. It’s a Diva’s weekend and I’m preaching on Sunday, so, of course, they made a big deal of me being in seminary and of the Sunday morning plan to be “saved” by me. Some even started inviting the crowd to be there on Sunday morning, which ended up putting me into a conversation with someone who has no belief in God, but, I think, wants to have some proof that God is present in the world. You never know what will happen when you go to a bar on a Friday night with gals you went to high school with!
Dear God, Thank you for my mom and all that she has taught me throughout my life. Her influence upon me has been significant. Thank you also for my goofy friends who pull me onto the dance floor and strongly encourage me to have fun. All glory to you. Amen.
Late this evening I met up with some of the Divas I went to Las Vegas with last September. They were at a bar near enough for me to get there before 11:00. We danced, wearing both our tiaras and lighted devil’s horns. We were quite a sight! The devious divas in the group conned the band into having me sing with them, Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’,” which is one of my favorites to sing along with. I messed up on one verse, but was coached through the rest of the song, so all went well. It’s a Diva’s weekend and I’m preaching on Sunday, so, of course, they made a big deal of me being in seminary and of the Sunday morning plan to be “saved” by me. Some even started inviting the crowd to be there on Sunday morning, which ended up putting me into a conversation with someone who has no belief in God, but, I think, wants to have some proof that God is present in the world. You never know what will happen when you go to a bar on a Friday night with gals you went to high school with!
Dear God, Thank you for my mom and all that she has taught me throughout my life. Her influence upon me has been significant. Thank you also for my goofy friends who pull me onto the dance floor and strongly encourage me to have fun. All glory to you. Amen.
Light
Dark Pegasi chase a pink,
glowing globe towards the west,
pushing it, sending it beyond the earth,
until Apollo rounds the other side,
leading the new day from the east.
glowing globe towards the west,
pushing it, sending it beyond the earth,
until Apollo rounds the other side,
leading the new day from the east.
The other night as we were driving from Evansville, IN to
Wisconsin Dells, the sun was setting. A
bright, pink orb in the sky, blocked by a few dark clouds, it dropped rapidly
as the earth turned and the night sky went from blue to black. As we drove we took turns reading from one of
the Percy Jackson series of books—a modern look at Greek mythology. Watching the sun drop in the sky, I thought
of Apollo, how he was one way to understand the movement of day into night and
night into day. Some people may not
understand my fascination with mythology, but the stories created, the
characters developed so long ago and redesigned over time, give alternative
ways to see the mystery of creation. It
is interesting to ponder the many creative ways we interpret things we do not
understand, especially in the days of old where science was considered more
magic and people had more fear of things they did not understand.
Faeries dance in the twinkling light
The dark roadside, black.
Wood nymphs leap, catching the tiny orbs
In jam jars to light their way.
The dark roadside, black.
Wood nymphs leap, catching the tiny orbs
In jam jars to light their way.
And then, as we drove through the darkness, there, on the
side of the road, there were flashes of tiny light, thousands of twinkling
orbs, marking the grasses that line the highway. Fireflies!
The tiniest of natural light, doing their summer dance for us as the
night grew darker and longer.
O Heavenly God, the beauty of a setting sun brings closure
to only one part of the day. It allows
for the darkness, for thousands of fireflies to blink on the side of the
highway, creating a new sensation of light.
The vast difference of size between sun and firefly, are unique examples
of the vastness of creation, of significance, of life. To be thankful for the sunshine, for the
beauty of a sunset, one must also find beauty in the dark, to be thankful for
the firefly. In each, we see the light
of love, the light of hope, the light of life.
Thank you. Amen.
Road trip, part 4: Springfield to Evansville, IN
A
little more Lincoln, more hours of driving and we made it to the hotel in time
for the evening snack. A little rest, a
little drive around town and a movie.
Now in need of sleep before another college tour and a long drive to the
Dells.
Dear God, be with us as we prepare for a long day on the
road. Help us to arrive safely and enjoy
some time of rest and relaxation before our final school tour of the trip. Thank you for our time together now and for
all that we are learning. Amen.
Road trip, part 3: Springfield, Illinois
Here we
are at 8:00, back in our room. Jeff is
snoring next to me, Erin is reading and I’m doing a little writing. My foot is on ice, as I took a twisted tumble
off a stair, and thought it best to elevate and ice to prevent any problems in
the next few days. We toured the Lincoln
museum today. What a beautiful
exhibit. It was nice to see that they didn't sugar-coat the history. Lincoln
was not a well-loved president by all of the people. There were really negative political cartoons
and many angry people who let their views be known. In four years, Lincoln aged
dramatically. Walking through the
exhibit, experiencing the Civil War stories, Lincoln’s assassination and final
train ride back to Springfield was emotional.
We seem to romanticize our larger-than-life leaders, hoping
their legacy will remind us of all the good things accomplished during the time
of their leadership. Or, we vilify them
and do the exact opposite. We forget
that they are humans and, just like the rest of us, can make poor decisions
just as easily as good ones. It’s too
bad we focus only on one or the other instead of seeing the whole.
Thank you for this day and these friends, O Holy One. The friend we can have in history can educate
and guide us, if only we look with wide open eyes and a broad view of the
context of the story. Help us discern
from our history what we can and must do differently to make this country and
world more peaceful and safe. Amen.
Road trip, part 2
Pella, Iowa is just the most ‘adorable’ little community with a quaint
downtown and a beautiful Central College.
We wandered around the campus and around town. We got to see the Klockenspel performance at
1:00 (I don’t even know how to explain this phenomenon) and have a nice
lunch. And sunburn. We bought some yummies at one of the famous
bakeries and meat and cheese at one of the meat markets for a couple lunches on
the road, then hit the pavement for about 4 ½ hours. We landed in Springfield, IL about 7:30 and
had another late dinner. Things I’ve
learned today: Sunscreen should not be
omitted from my daily routine. Trying to
solve major dilemmas while on a road trip can be enlightening and difficult at
the same time. Always bring a white
sheet to cover up with if you are sunburned and must ride on the sunny side of
the car. Getting to Springfield from
Pella is a pretty drive through both fields and hills, near rivers and communities
of about 400 people.
Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for a safe drive today. Thank you for the opportunity to talk through
some complicated stuff and for the patience to get through the emotions
accompanying the different ways to approach solutions. Help us to make good decisions, especially
when they affect someone else so significantly.
Help that person accept our help, understanding that what we are doing
is not in our best interest, but in that person’s. Grant us patience through the process. Amen.
Road Trip!
We visited our alma mater today. The Winona State University campus has made
numerous upgrades and there are a few new buildings since I graduated from
there back in 1985. We “forced” our
daughter to walk the tour, hear all about going to school there and see where
we once lived. Even though it isn't one
of her top 3 potential schools, there was a benefit—she was able to eliminate
some of the possible majors and perhaps narrow her scope a bit. Tomorrow, we’ll walk around Pella, Iowa, and
explore the campus of Central again, this time on our own. Another whirlwind tour of colleges, with a
hope to get a better idea of what her future looks like. Pretty exciting stuff.
O Great Educator, guide our path, teach us your ways,
administer hope and encourage risk.
Amen.
Fireworks
Chrysanthemums in the sky;
Dandelion seeds blowing in the dark;
Twisting swirls explode;
Rockets’ red glare;
The sky is alight in celebration.
Dandelion seeds blowing in the dark;
Twisting swirls explode;
Rockets’ red glare;
The sky is alight in celebration.
O God of all things, thank you for the independence we
celebrate this day. We mark it by
gathering, our necks folded back, gazing in the dark night to watch the colors
in the sky explode, perhaps like the bombs that burst in the night sky during
our revolution and separation from England.
Men gathered to draft documents describing the freedoms that we
celebrate this day. We honor the memory,
reveling in our freedom, thanking you for all that was sacrificed to provide it
for us. Amen.
Hot and sweaty!
Sometimes there are days when you just have to go out in
public looking a sweaty mess. I try to
limit these days, however! Today I had
to get stuff done, and the fact that I was a mess after working in the yard,
mowing the lawn and laying down wood chips, was a nuisance, but it didn’t keep
me from running off to do what needed to be done.
Dear God, we try to be at our best, clean, appropriately
dressed and calm, but there are days when things have to get done at certain
times, whether the lawn was just mowed or not.
You accept us no matter what we look (or smell) like. Help us to accept ourselves, too! Amen.
Surgery Patients
I’m
just realizing just how many people I know who have had surgeries lately. I don’t know what all has been done—some people
are really private about these things—but I know that there are a number of people
in recovery right now, taking narcotics for pain or just beginning to get out
and about after weeks of rest. I am so
thankful that the people closest to me are all healthy, but I know changes can
occur in an instant.
Dear Holy Healer, be with those who are recovering from surgery. There are so many who have had multiple surgeries and others who have had acute issues. Give them each the patience to sit still so that they take the appropriate time to heal fully. Amen.
Dear Holy Healer, be with those who are recovering from surgery. There are so many who have had multiple surgeries and others who have had acute issues. Give them each the patience to sit still so that they take the appropriate time to heal fully. Amen.
Both/And
Experiences like those in the past couple of days—the Guthrie
play and the video at church—have set me to pondering many aspects of
life. The concept of “both-and” is
something we talk about frequently in seminary.
We live someplace within the tension where we can see ‘both’ this ‘and’
that and many times they do not easily reconcile. As leaders in the church we find that many
people take strong positions in ‘either’ / ‘or’. Often there is benefit to be found in all
circumstances, we just have to learn to accept that people come from different
realities, different ‘social locations’ that define our attitudes and
beliefs.
Consider the language of worship. There have been cultural changes in liturgy
over time, but making changes to worship books, like the Episcopal Book of
Common Prayer, take about a decade to put into action. Committees, prayers, votes and rewrites …
repeat …, must occur, and by the time they are approved, the language has
morphed yet again. As a lifelong
Episcopalian, I have experienced some of these transformations and I find that
I am very stuck between the traditional rites and the more inclusive, less misogynistic
language. I understand the benefit of both
and the struggles people have with each.
Where does it leave those who lead when they are in a situation of ‘both’
/ ‘and’? It turns to the context of the
faith community, long discussions and compromise.
Dear God, you are teaching me more and more about my own
boundaries when it comes to my faith. The
borders are flexible and porous, for the most part, and when they are not, I
have reminders put in place to make me think or rethink my position. These are not always easy conversations in my
self-talk, and I trust that you will guide me to right thinking, even when I am
stubborn and clinging to what has been embedded in me over my lifetime. Help me to see, listen and understand, but
mostly help me to grow so I may be a successful leader. Amen.
A video worth watching and listening to
This video is what prompted the most recent blog post. I offer it to you.
http://skitguys.com/videos/item/stories-of-freedom
http://skitguys.com/videos/item/stories-of-freedom
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)