Creative Dilemma

I wrote my sermon for this Sunday last week.  Today, I began a total rewrite of it.  For some reason, a whole different sermon has emerged.  A whole different way to express the message began to burst forth.  Now, I have a choice to make.  I need to pray to know what to do, to decide which message is the most relevant for this Sunday.  And my time is limited.  This is one of those times when I need to trust that the Holy Spirit will intervene and guide me to the correct message.

Dear God, please help me to know what message I need to share on Sunday.  I know that one is a better fit, but I am uncertain which one at this time.  I trust that I will be guided by the Holy Spirit in enough time to polish the message.  Grant me peace through the process.  Amen.

The fog clears

I received a little bit of clarity today.  It’s amazing how having just a little more information can buoy one significantly, especially when it’s about one’s future.  I was given a template a few weeks ago that lays out the process I am embedded within as a person working toward ordination in the Episcopal Church in Minnesota.  Today I learned where I am, what I have accomplished (I knew, but it was good to know what has been “crossed off” the list) and some goal dates to accomplish the next things on the list.  The next two years aren't specifically mapped out for me, but at least I know approximately “when” I need to do “what.”  The clarity is in the plan, no matter how fluid it appears.

It’s still in God’s hands, however.  I've learned this over many years of infertility, of expectation, of making my own plans that are not part of the long term God plan.  This faith in “God’s time” is hard for some people to understand, and unless you have encountered the holy gift and recognized it as something beyond your own control—like our four years of infertility and the blessing of two children within 19 months—then it is hard to comprehend.  I know that I have been called to ministry for most of my life, but the timing had to be “just right” and I trust that God had a hand in it!

What do I mean by this, specifically?  Looking back to our early years of marriage, we see so many opportunities, like travel abroad and around the U.S.A., of job opportunities and development of so many friendships.  If our children had come sooner, we would have missed out on some of these experiences.  These experiences helped us develop our skills to become better parents. 

Looking back over my life I see many nudges toward ministry, opportunities to learn more about God in this world, to learn more about the Word and to see Christ in the eyes of many, many people.  But I didn't respond to the nudges, I needed more time to SEE God in the world and to understand my place in that world.  I needed to develop many skills and gain confidence in them before I could feel the shove.  I needed to feel like our marriage, children, family and home were stable enough to make it through the tumult education could impose on all of us.

Do I feel completely secure in all of this?  Of course not!  I have moments of insecurity and doubt, and those moments are what hold me back and close my mind to the infinite gifts God places before me.  Moments of clarity, like those found today, help me to see the bigger picture, giving me peace when I allow chaotic thoughts to disturb my relationship with God.  (Fishing may have also helped a little!)

Dear God, the fog at yesterday’s daybreak was a visible reminder that I am unable to see the plan clearly when I limit my trust in you.  The sunlight that burned through the fog and the clouds was another reminder that when I trust you, the plans you have for me are more clear than I believe.  Given verbal affirmation and a timeline for the next couple of years doesn’t hurt, either.  I know that all of this is because of you, because of the plans you have for me, in your time.  Many thanks for these reminders.  Amen.

R & R

I recently returned from a two day Sabbath with Jeff.  We were given the opportunity to spend time in a cabin where we enjoyed a lot of fishing--and a lot of catching--too much sun and some much needed rest and relaxation.  It was very HOT until a big thunderstorm came through and blew in a few hours of cool air, making sleeping a little easier that night.  Now, I return to a busy schedule for the next few days.

 

I learned that fishing is a great way to clear the mind.  What an amazing distraction that I have so rarely taken advantage of!  As I come back to daily living, I hope I can return to those memories of those moments on the lake when fishing took my mind away from all that has caused me to be so uptight.

O Creator of the world, thank you for the peacefulness of a canoe on the lake, rod and reel in my hand and a bobbing bobber.  Thank you for the really hot weather and for the thunderstorm that pushed across the lake, blowing in a chill for the air and fog for the sunrise.  Thank you for the sunburn on my skin and even for the pain some clothing causes when it touches my skin, for it will remind me of these two days of respite, two days where time away rejuvenates and revitalizes a weary mind and body.  Amen.