Tears

I cried today, holding the hands of two women I would never have come to know, who would never have impacted my life, who would never have challenged my faith, my theology and my compassion if I had never taken a risk.

I cried today, the hands of two other women on my back, blessing me.  Two more women I would never have come to know, who would never have impacted my life, who would never have encouraged my faith, my theology and my compassion, if I had never taken a risk.

I cried today, a part of a circle surrounding the altar I would never have come to, to receive bread and wine, experience celebrations of life and of death, where I was challenged and comforted, if I had never taken a risk.

I cried today, passing around a rain stick poked with nails attaching six word stories about the journeys taken these past four years, hand to hand, the sound of rain, the sound of voices, the sound of faith passed from one to another with sorrow, with joy, all stories of taking a risk.

I cried today, marking the beginning of an ending that was worthy of the risk.

Reflections on Seminary

I was recently asked why I did my theological education at United Theological Seminary.   Here are some of my reflections about my education:

United Theological Seminary is a seminary sponsored by the United Church of Christ and provides theological education for a wide variety of denominations and belief systems.  My choice of seminaries was very limited in the Twin Cities.  Both Luther Seminary and United Theological Seminary  are sanctioned by The Episcopal Church in Minnesota (ECMN) and have been used for decades to prepare folks for ordination.  For many years ECMN required that even if students attended United or Luther they would have to spend one year in an Anglican or Episcopal seminary (located out East and in CA).  This created a hardship for many people who have families, so ECMN changed the way they require students to receive their education, providing the Episcopal training in a variety of ways that is now offered through the School for Formation.

For my husband, Jeff, and I, it was important for me to be educated here, where I could be a part of our kids’ lives as they were finishing high school.  I started my formal education in September of 2011 and will graduate on April 19, 2015 with my Masters of Divinity with a Pastoral Care Concentration.  We are blessed to have United as an option, have a bishop who supported and encouraged my education to occur as it has and to be ready to move forward in ministry.

I chose United over Luther for a couple of reasons.  One is its proximity.  It’s about 20 minutes from home and had easy access and one building to navigate.  Their classes meet only once a week, where Luther’s classes sometimes meet more frequently.  To make the most of my time and of natural resources, it was important to me to limit my time on the road.  Also, after singing with the Twin Cities Women’s Choir for a number of years, and becoming more familiar with and friends with many lesbians, I felt United met my theological understanding of gender equality better than Luther.  And … I didn't want to take Greek or Hebrew to simply be admitted into Luther!

When I entered United I was surprised at the ecumenism I found there.  To be honest, it was a bit disconcerting to meet people who did not have any Biblical experience and who did not have a relationship with Jesus.  I mean, wasn’t this a Christian institution?  (YES, it is.)  I met people who were struggling with their sexual identity as well as their relationship with their Holy.  I met people who are Unitarian Universalist, Jewish, Methodist, American Baptist, Old Catholic, Church of Christ, Disciples of Christ, AME (African American Methodist Episcopal), Lutheran, Catholic, Presbyterian, Episcopalian and some who worship the Earth; gay, straight, transgender, lesbian, queer and questioning; African American, European American, African, and Madagascar natives; scholars, artists, musicians, social justice minded and spirit-filled folks.   I had a Mormon teacher, a Rabbi and instructors from nearly every denomination.   It was a frightening place for that first year because I'm a bit conservative, but I am actually more liberal than many conservatives, did not feel well accepted by some people.  I strongly considered changing my education path, but opted to finish what I started at United.

Things I have learned?  That people see and experience God or a Higher Power in a variety of ways that ground them into a faith community that matters to them.  I may not agree with them, I may not understand them, but I can see them as children of God. 

Ecumenism is a strong word that describes United.  People can believe in doctrines and worship styles and find God in a Christian environment, but start talking about denominations and you begin to learn what is most important:  creating a community of believers.  Each Christian denomination comes to understand Jesus and Eucharist in unique ways—consubstantiation?  Transubstantiation?  it really doesn't matter in the end.  But ultimately, I can learn from all the people I encountered at United.

One of the biggest things I've learned is to understand that when I accept the variety of ways people come to God, and I don’t condemn, there is a better chance at peace in this world. 

In our world were the majority of people who answer survey questions respond to their religion as “NONE” or “Spiritual but not religious,” instead of affiliating themselves with a specific faith, it is important to have the language to be able to understand what they mean.  At United, we spent a lot of time exploring what it is about worship, church, faith and the like that causes so many people to flee the pews.  We talk a lot about social justice issues.  Having the opportunity to learn in an ecumenical environment and experience the way students develop and change through their education has helped me find language that will help me communicate with others about their faith journey.  Limiting myself to only Episcopal language would limit my ministry.

The Episcopal Church is a church with many people who come from a wide variety of church or no church experience.   We welcome people who are seeking something, but may not be able to articulate what that something is.  We have people, like Jeff and I, who have always been and will always be Episcopalian.  There are those who have left the church of their parents and find refuge in the Episcopal Church.  Some choose to compromise with a spouse to find a church they can both agree to.  Some are beaten and bullied by other denominations that condemn them for any number of reasons.  The world of faith is changing.  I disagree with the belief that the Church is dying, but I do believe it is moving forward into the next phase of understanding God.

How did I get to this place?  My life of service for God began when I was a child.  I have used my spiritual gifts throughout my life.  I understood that I was supposed to do more—in a more formal way—many years ago, but life was a distraction.  Marriage, kids, work…I have always been active in church, but ordained leadership?  One day I had lunch with someone who was preparing for her ordination to become a Deacon.  She asked me if I had ever considered being ordained.  During that four hour lunch I explored my life experience and could honestly say that, yes, I had, but I never felt like I was good enough or ready enough or smart enough.  But I have envisioned myself standing at the altar, doing the Eucharistic Prayer and giving communion.    It’s a vision that has stuck with me and I know in my heart of hearts that this is what God called me to do.

United has provided me the theological education I needed to get to this point.  There are many days I wish I had more formal Episcopal/Anglican training, or that I was more entrenched in a community of Episcopal learners, but I have a cohort here of people I trust.  My leadership roles within the Episcopal Church have provided much of my administrative foundation.  I have relationships with a number of Episcopal clergy and laity across the state.  I have studied hard and I think the education I have had has given me language to meet people where they are instead of expecting them to be where I am.  God is so much bigger than a church or a denomination.  I believe it is my call to help people know who God is to them and who they are to God.

 

I really haven’t changed all that much when it comes to my faith in God.  I have chosen to follow Jesus.  I listen intently to and for the Holy Spirit.  I pray…a lot.  I study Scripture and learn a lot from many sources. I trust that I have been called to do this work and that I have been provided the educational experience (and aggravation…and fear…and doubt…and friendships…and mentors…and prayer partners…and diocesan support…and love) to do it. 

United has given me a huge gift in all the complexities of a pluralistic religious world: the grounding of my faith.  A grounding that is so solid that other students have told me they envy it.  I support my church.  I stand up for Jesus.  I talk about what is Holy for me.  I use God language and talk about what God means to me.  Even in a place where God is not to be identified as Father, God is still Father to me.  There are certain things that cannot be taken away, even in a place where individual theologies are deconstructed.  What is important in all of this is that I can reconstruct my theology with better language and with more conviction, even though it really hasn't changed all that much.  I have a broader understanding of humanity and of the way others are in relationship with their Holy and of the complexities of being human in a really messed up world.  Knowing that I can depend on God to be God is really important to my faith.  As much as I want to control things, there are so many things that are beyond my ability.

Jeff is an amazing partner in all of this.  He has affirmed my call and looks forward to our next adventure doing God’s work.  We are prepared to move to wherever we are called by God.  The possibilities are in God’s hands. 

Dear God, I thank you for giving me an opportunity to reflect upon my education—to see that even in the complex emotions of seminary, I learned much more than the things in books.  I learned to trust you more fully.  For these things, I am grateful.  Amen.

Experiencing Experiments

Growing up in the Episcopal Church I have experienced the liturgy designed by ancestors.  I lived through the prayer book changes of the 1970’s and the hymnal change in 1982.  I have participated in liturgy from the Book of Common Prayer, New Zealand’s version and the newer Enriching Our Worship liturgy.  I have said thee’s and thou’s; identified God through masculine and patriarchal language; sung hymns written since the 1600’s, folk songs made famous by people like Pete Seeger, worship songs from many different progressive hymnals and cultures; and I have found refuge in understanding the Anglican Communion to be a world-wide community of Christians who worship in a distinct pattern.

I could be called an Anglican snob and maybe a liturgy junkie.

I am serving as a transitional deacon, kind of a cross between a priest-in-training and a priest-assistant. (Deacon:  “An order of the ordained ministry, charged particularly with a servant role in behalf of those in need, and to assist bishops and priests in the proclamation of the Gospel and the administration of the Sacraments.”  The Episcopal Handbook, page 215.  “Transitional” means I am on a bridge between a deacon and a priest, my call is to be a priest.  It’s about process.)  The church I am at has three Sunday morning worship services and each has its own style.  The 7:45 a.m. is traditional and quiet with very little music; it is a small group of people.  The 10:30 a.m. service uses traditional liturgy as well but the choir usually sings and there is music throughout the service; it is a medium sized congregation.  The 9:00 a.m. service is what I would call “experimental liturgy.”  This is the service with the most people.  The liturgy is often written by the priest using Episcopal liturgical structure—liturgy of the Word and liturgy of the Table—but rewriting creeds and prayers, reading the Gospel but incorporating other readings as well, involving movement through music and having the congregation leave their pews to participate in the table fellowship, i.e. Eucharist or Communion, surrounding the altar and receiving Communion in the round.

It is fascinating to me to watch how people respond to the experimental liturgy.  It is interesting to me to pay attention to how I am responding.  And I spend plenty of time thinking about this, because, as I have admitted, I am an Anglican snob and a liturgy junkie.  I like what the ancestors designed!  But I am finding how willing I am to redefine that liturgy because it is what is needed for people to understand who God is and who they are to God.

This 9:00 service is not put together without considerable thought, prayer and collaboration.  A team meets somewhat regularly to discuss what is working and what is not, or what needs to change and what should not.  We talk about what we experienced, observed and heard.  There are email exchanges asking for feedback.  As the newest person, I bring a different perspective.  I was not around when folks discussed their first ideas, nor for the five years their community spent figuring out how to make this work, or for the discussions regarding adding a worship service without disrupting what has been.  I wasn't there when they began their experiment, but I get to pose questions, make comments and tell of my observations, and it is okay when I do—it helps me learn their process but it also helps them know how others perceive what they are doing.

Again, I am an Anglican snob.  I like ritual and routine.  So this experiment, where the Bishop placed me in a community who experiments with some of the things I hold closest as an Anglican, is making me think long and hard about what is really important in worship.  Is it in holding close the traditions?  Is it in the recitation of Creeds, prayers and the Eucharistic Prayers found in the Book of Common Prayer?  Or is it more important to experience the Holy Spirit at work through some changes in the way we “do church?”

   

The way we “do church” has to be contextual.  The community of faith must be able to talk about who God is and where and how God is found in living as a faith community.  It does not necessarily look the same, but the Anglican Communion, the Episcopal Church, has a set of guidelines and ancient rules that are important in our identity as Episcopalians.  There is beauty in those guidelines, in the Book of Common Prayer, in the Hymnal, but at the same time we are a Church that acknowledges the world and the way the Holy Spirit works in the world is not stagnant.  The way the Holy Spirit is experienced, particularly in worship, needs to be part of how we design the way we “do church.” 

So I sit here trying to balance tradition with innovation, history with now, strict guidelines with letting the Spirit move us; and my mind, my gut and my spirit are twisting and turning because I understand it all but I don’t know, right now, where I fit.  I KNOW the Spirit is present in all of the different ways we worship.  I feel her presence and I see her impact among the people there.  The beauty of these three services is that people can find the place they feel most fed in their relationships with God because they have options.  They get to experience and experiment to find what works when all the while they are part of one another and a part of the greater Church and the worldwide community of faithful folks. 

None of these ways of worship is perfect.  How we each enter the sanctuary for worship affects the way we are open to the worship experience.  That goes for clergy, too.  I enter each service open to the possibilities, willing to experience and experiment and grow because of it all.  I know this because I do not take any of the worship for granted.  Something, sometime impacts me.  Sometimes it is the six month old who “sings” with the congregation; sometimes it is the faces of the children, surrounding the altar, with the candlelight illuminating their upturned faces as they watch the bread as it is broken; sometimes it is in fellowship following a service or in the willingness of another to confide in me; sometimes it is in watching two or three people supporting one another. No matter what, I know the Holy Spirit is present and that God holds us and that Jesus smiles when we are told that the bread and wine are “Holy Food for Holy People;” because forever and for always, this is Holy Ground.  It is in how we experience, explore and experiment that we are offered the excitement of being God’s people!